OK, well yesterday I had this dream, and no prizes for guessing what it was about right. Yes, Lewie, and that would probably be because I saw him quite a lot mof times yesterday. Well, it was at school right, and we were at the side between the Main Building and Margaret Harris, and I dunno, it just felt so.... Well he was hugging me right, and he kissed my forehead and touched my hair. He also touched my cheeks and he sort of held my hand, well not really, but sort of. Then we went for a walk together and he seemed really calm sort of, and I was too, except that inside my heart was thumping so furosciously (is that's how you spell it, seriously, words today are so complicate, German is muuuch easier) and it felt like my heart would burst out of my chest. Well anyway, the thing was, he was the same, yet there was something different about him, if you know what I mean. His eyes are suppose to be a nice sort of sky blue, not at day, not light, you know, deep blue yes not dark. Sort of like this colour, except much nicer, light and bright, but not dark, just deep. Well, instead it was closer to turqoise, a nice colour, you know jsut the same blue but with a tinge of green. So his eyes which are the colour of, well the night sky, was more like the rushing sea. It was nice, yet it wasn't him. It was Lewie, yet it wasn't. Well that about all I can remember and I'm feeling so, embarassed, seeing how I know the people who can read this blog, i.e. the one's I've invited. Yes I mean you Erin and Emily! Well you too Molly I guess but you sort of already knew so that's not going to do any harm, not really. Yes, strange thing was, she got this all out of my mind without me saying a word, and God, it was all right, apart from some. Creepy eh?
Anyway, so there was a second part of the dream. We were in Margaret Harris hall, and I think it was an exam, I'm not very sure, but Lewie was there, just sort of two seats away from me, but he was ignoring me. Yes I know it was an exam but even when we finished to go to break or whatever he still ignored me. It's like I didn't exist, it's like I wasn't there. He just packed his bags and went straight off. And I'm not sure, but this time, his eyes were the right colour. So you know, this was him. It's like in the first part it was the dream him, the one I see in my dreams, but this one, this one was the real him, the one I see in real life. No, he didn't use to ignore me, but now he sort of does, ever since that stupid note! It's all my bloody fault. The first one was the Lewie that had sort of died in my life, and this one was the one who still lived, the one who replaced him. I'm not sure, but I think he's actually trying to push me out of his life. I'm probably just imagining things, but it seems like when he sees me around he gets a different look on his face, and in his eyes, and he seems to act more, serious I guess, and less like that person he was. But when he doesn't notice I'm there, he seems to be more free and the same as before. When he doesn't see me, like today on the PE bus, he wouldn't have seen me. Hm, who am I kidding? It's probably jsut in my imagination, the same as the times before where I felt someone staring at me in the library, I look up and he's looking at me. Just in my stupid imagination. Well, I guess his reply for the note is no then, I suppose that's his answer, no. No no no no no no note note note note note, stupid note! Why did I do that? He was jsut beginning to talk to me properly, like an actual friend or something. We used to just make eye contact and smile, and occasionaly say hi, and then he starts actually having a conversation with me, and I go and ruin it. With a stupid bloody note! It's all my fault. Why did I have to do it? All I've done it hurt myself more, now he doesn't even seem to realize I exist, I would have been fine with him just talking to me in the library and sitting in that empty chair beside me. STUPID! Why did I have to do it? It's all my fault. Now I'm going to go and read all the happy times I've had before, maybe then I'll dream about it.
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